I've been administering a thread on a web-forum I frequent (wcom) where I post a situation with a problem and other users post an event that they 'summon' to take place as a possible solution to the problem presented in the situation I proposed. After some time slips by, I draft out the happenings of the event summons in relation to the situation at hand. I will now share with you the situations and the many outcomes of the event summons.
I will post the situation and the outcomes of the event summons that I have written. Try and figure out what exactly it is that has been summoned by each user.
Situation #1: You stand at the entrance to a large
banquet room that is engulfed in flames. At the far end of the room
stands a young woman in need of your help. What event do you summon?
Dun: Your Squirtle saturates the banquet hall in water, putting
out the flames and subsequently nearly drowning the young woman. The
young woman does survive, however, and her skimpy white clothes have
become drenched and revealing. She is drawn to the cuteness of your
Squirtle and has been stricken with a certain curious fascination of
her aussie hero. You win.
Tux: Your jelly cannon
prematurely misfires and leaves the young woman covered from head to
toe in unprotected lubrication. The roaring flames surround her, but
there is a chance she can make the run towards the safety of your arms
at the entrance to the room. She takes her first step and slips in the
puddle of slick KY goodness that has dripped around her feet. Though
not noticeable at first, you now realize that the room is slanted ever
so slightly as you see the young woman slowly glide her way into the
hellish blaze. You lose.
---
Situation #2: You are
on a very tiny island and have discovered a wealth of buried treasure.
By the time you unearth your riches, a dozen angry pirates have
surrounded you. Things don't look good. What event do you summon?
hfswjyr: A single ninja appears alongside you within the circle
of scurvy. The pirates stand aghast at the site for a mere moment, then
plunge forward with tenacity and a harmonious "Arrrr!" escaping their
lungs. Your ninja becomes a blur within the circle and then solidifies
as it leaps atop your shoulders and darts airborne towards an unruly
group of pirates. The force of the ninja's vault from your shoulders
knocks you to the ground where you smash your head on a treasure chest
and are rendered unconscious. We were never meant to know the outcome
of this legendary battle. You lose.
Dunwich: You summon
leviathan. He emerges in his watery form from a portal that spawns in
the air above you and the pirates. The earth shakes around you and up
shoots a monumental spire of rock carrying several of the pirates with
it and dropping them to their deaths. Leviathan flies to the top of the
rocky spire and conjures an enormous waterfall that cascades down the
spire and drops its insurmountable force upon the tiny island,
destroying the pirates, you, and the boat. The island has become
submerged and the treasure has been pushed by the rushing waters down
into the dark depths of the sea. You lose.
Eterna1: A KY
Jelly Cannon falls from the sky and lands near your side, crushing
several of the pirates. You run over to the control console and blast
away at your eye-patch toting adversaries. The remaining group become
covered in the jelly, one falling victim to an allergic reaction whose
skin becomes inflamed and itchy as all hell. Though you have taken out
several of the pirates and the rest are falling all over the place and
dropping their swords and pistols, most still chase after you. You've
done all you can with the jelly cannon when your summon #1.5 the
transvestite appears and is aroused by the abundance of lubrication on
the sweaty, dirty men. The pirates give up on you and head towards the
tranny (it is the closest thing they've seen to a woman in a long time
after all). You grab as much treasure as you can and haul it onto the
pirate's dingy in their moment of distraction. You leave the island
with the treasure in your lap. You are winrar!
Caz: You
hold a small, pink eraser in your right hand. The pirates charge after
you. You hold out the eraser and make hand motions mimicking those you
would use to erase something on a piece of paper. Nothing happens.
Pirates don't get erased. They cut of your head and rape your insides.
You lose.
Bryce: See 2nd half of Eterna1's outcome. Also you leave the island with some of the leftover virgins. You are winrar +17.
---
Situation #3: An alien spaceship just zoomed over your house and took your dog. You want that dog back. What event do you summon?
Dun: You throw your boomerang at the escaping alien ship. The
boomerang flies around the spacecraft and returns to your face. You
looz.
Cat: Your robot carries you up into the
atmosphere, racing after the escaping alien ship. The robot's jet feet
propel you fast enough to reach the ship before it enters space, but a
small boomerang flies in an orbit around the ship and just barely dings
one of the robot's jet-powered feet causing catastrophic system failure
to your systemz. The jet-powered feet wave about uncontrollably and
your robot falls to pieces in mid-air. You looz.
hfswjyr:
Your dog barks. Not only does it bark, it yaps. You got one of those
annoying tiny dogs that yap all the time. Three years later that
ceaseless yapping has made you crazy enough to molest stinky fatty
girls. You looz.
RAT: Your KY Jelly Cannon fires a load
at the unsuspecting alien ship. The blast is strong enough and slippery
enough to disrupt the delicate balance of the outboard centrifuge
system, causing the ship to lose its balance and succumbing the
inhabitants to varying degrees of gravity changes. Your dog and the
aliens are thrown about wildly through the inner hub of the ship.
You
fire a second shot at the ship, but falling mechanical debris and a
young Israeli man have intercepted your slimy splurge. Inside the ship,
one of the aliens has fallen onto the hyperspeed button and in the
ship's turmoil has launched the faster than light speed craft directly
into the moon. The force of impact is large enough to greatly disrupt
the face of the man on the moon (also great enough to kill your dog).
Meanwhile on Earf, you and your cannon are crushed by the falling
debris of metal, man, and schlong juice. You looz.
Bryce:
Your mothership takes in the smaller alien ship like one of it's own
childrenships. Your mothership loves her new childship and gives it all
her motherly loving. Your mothership does not like dogs though and
convinces the alien child ship to give the dog back to you, the person
to whom the dog rightfully belongs. The childship complies because it
wants to be with its new family more than it wants your dog. You are
the Wi-fucking-n.
Zydel: Your Death Star pours on the
tractor beam fury upon the helpless alien ship. They are being sucked
in so hard they don't know how many licks it takes to get to the center
of a tootsie roll pop. Unfortunately your Death Star is destroyed by
Zulu's Luke Skywalker before you can capture the ship. You looz.
Zulu:
Your Luke Skywalker knows his mission, but visions of his father draw
him to the nearby Death Star. Your Luke Skywalker becomes distracted by
the need to save the universe over the need to save your dog. He booms
the Death Star and the aliens escape with your dog. You looz.
Tom:
Your swamp catches a Luke after he destroyed the Death Star. Your swamp
has also caught the alien ship. Your swamp has also caught your ship
when you flew there to go get your dog. All is cool though. You get to
hang out with Luke, Yoda, aliens, and your dog on Dagoba. Life is
sweet. You = what the win is.
---
Situation #4:
You went skydiving all alone and during mid-fall you realize that your
parachute was replaced by a bunch of kitchen utensils. You are
approaching the ground very fast. What event do you summon?
Cat: Q is old and has Alzheimer's. He gave you his 1989 larger
than life cell phone. You plummet to your doom and smash into and
through an empty outdoor swimming pool. gg no re
hfswjyr:
Your parachute was improperly folded, but does open with limited
results. You spin and spin on your way down to the ground, falling at a
dangerous speed and without any directional control. You try to
untangle the lines, but the spinning is too much for you to handle. You
hurl your spaghetti dinner into the air and watch as it glides right
back into your face the next time you spin around. The ground
approaches and you are covered in half-digested marinara sauce. A
couple more seconds and you're going to hit the ground too hard to
survive without breaking a shit ton of bones. Luckily an updraft hits
you just in time, slowing your descent enough so that when you land you
only dislocate your right shoulder. It just so happens that you landed
in the parking lot of a large supermarket that was having an outdoor
flowers and ice cream sale. You find yourself surrounded by lonely
milfs that hate their husbands and are terribly concerned about your
injury and are fascinated by your free fall. Ween.
Fox:
Your are surrounded by the protection of a K-8 November class Russian
nuclear-powered attack submarine. Though still in free fall, you're
thoroughly convinced that the thick metal walls will somehow provide
you safety while you descend at an accelerating rate from a harrowing
height. You and your sub smash into the pavement of Sydney and the
force of impact is great enough to obliterate the submarine structure.
The nuclear hold is destroyed and radiation is unleashed upon
the nearby populace. gg no re
Caz: You are surrounded by
the protection of a K-8 November class American nuclear-powered attack
coffin, and you are firmly pressed up against the corpse of Patrick
Swayze (face to crotch). You decide that if you're going to die, this
might as well be the way to go out. Your fate accepted, you rest your
face upon the pillowy balls and fall asleep before you smash into a
dildo carrying freight truck. gg no re
Bryce: A small cup
appears on the ground and your mind is homing in on its target. You use
subtle movements to change the angle, direction, and speed o your
approach. The cup comes into plain view and you make one final
adjustment before hitting directly on your mark. You fit into the cup.
gg no re
Zydel: The Death Star tractor beam grabs you and
stops your deathly descent towards Earth. Now you are being pulled
towards the Death Star which resides in Earth's orbit. It gets
noticeably colder and harder to breathe the higher in altitude you are
pulled. You survive the chill and lack of oxygen, but once you are
actually out of the atmosphere your organs are pulled inside out by the
vacuum of space. gg no re
Zulu: Michael Jackson's corpse
falls alongside you. You grab him and dance with him in the air,
creating a spectacle for a TV camera crew to capture as your fall to
your doom. You smash into the ground and die, but your extraordinary
escapades live on forever on TV and on youtube.
Shoshone:
You land on your mattresses and nap the nap of kings, all high and
mighty in your ego, reflecting on just how damn smart you really are.
Ween.
---
Situation #5: Between you and your
lovey-dovey honey-bear schnookums stands a celtic warrior with sword
and cudgel ready in an attack stance. You need to save your schnookums. What event do you summon?
Dunwich: You summon the triple goddess and the celtic warrior is
overcome with feelings of awe and fear. He drops to his knees and prays
to the mighty goddess. You see figures appearing in the hills
surrounding you and soon notice that they are hundreds, no, thousands of
potato and broken whiskey bottle brandishing Irishmen who have come to
fight and destroy in the name of their goddess. The Celt continues his
prayers but he only finds himself mocked by the sacred being. He is
pummeled to death with potatoes. You claim his sweet celtic gear and
make your way over to your schnookums. She's been raped by several of
the Irishmen, but you decide to deal with that another day. Winns.
TMP: This happens. You, as the mighty peon, die with the warrior, but your woman lives. Winns.
Zydel:
You fire up your bra and only the left nipple works as the right
malfunctions. The Celt is angered by your magic and easily dodges the
one hot flame. He charges in with cudgel swung back and sword thrusting
forward, but your right nipple kicks in after you give it a solid wack
with your hand and scalds the warrior across his face. His beautiful
blond hair is singed and his strong facial features have been scorched,
but it is his calling to rid this word of evil magic. The warrior
lunges at you with one final desperate attempt and smashes your head
like a watermelon with his cudgel. You have been terminated and the
Celt's goal to rid you of your magic has succeeded. The Celt dies next
to you, his fallen enemy, from the burns he has suffered. Your woman is
safe, however. That means you winns.
Tom: Rangers suck. You lose.
Caz: In your attemps to summon MacGyver, you accidentally summon MacGruber,
MacGyver's semi-retarded son. MacGruber uses a rock he found on the
ground, a slug he found under it, his own urine, and your ugly coat to
make a celtic warrior destroying device. He sets the device down and
explains to you how this is going to work. You understand from his
instructions that you will move far enough away to save yourself from
the device while the warrior is destroyed by it during his charge
towards you. MacGruber further continues to explain that-- BOOOM!
Everyone has exploded. You lose. MACGRUBER!
Cat: The
celtic warrior kills you. Your woman is locked inside a golden cage
without any possible way to escape. Continue to page 37 if you want the
Celt to continuously stab through the slits of the cage, eventually
killing your love and raping her many-holed corpse through the golden
bars, or continue to page 54 if you want the Celt to bend his way through the
golden bars, rape your love, and then stab her to death. And then rape
her again. You lose.
shoshone: Celtic Guardian attacks
Blue Eyes White Dragon - 1400 damage taken by Blue Eyes White Dragon,
1100 health remaining. Blue Eyes White Dragon attacks Celtic Guardian -
1200 damage taken by Celtic Guardian. Celtic Gudardian is defeated. You
winns.
---
Siatuation #6: The world is about to be absorbed by a black hole. You need to save yourself (not necessarily the world). What event do you summon?
Caz: Couldn't find out enough info on what that is in my quick
search. Must be incredibly secret-awesome. Indian thunderbolts crashing
in upon a black hole, calling the turtle and elephants that are holding
up this world to fight against it. It is an epic battle and story of
original Star Wars trilogy proportions. The thunderbolts, turtle, and
elephants defeat the black hole by throwing it down a large spaceship's
powershaft thing. Joo win.
Eterna1: Roger Federer serves
countless tennis balls across the distance of space into the black
hole. He tosses them into the air and spikes them into the heart of the
blackness faster than the speed of light. The universe around earth is
being sucked in, but Federer is launching so many tennis balls into our
annihilator that he fills up the black hole and it becomes a new baby
star. The star is a long distance away from Earth, but it is close
enough to disrupt the delicate gravitational balance within our solar
system. The Earth and other planets are being pulled away from the Sun.
Federer tries to counteract this by blasting the new baby star with
tennis balls, hoping to knock it far away enough that it would no
longer bother our orbit, but his balls are fried before they make
contact. The world freezes over. Joo lose.
Zulu: Dr.
Emmett Brown conceives a McGyver inspired contraption that consists of
a speeding bullet train, a six-pack of beer, and one of those ginormous
telescopes. The telescope is strapped on to the bullet train and the
beer is being converted into a super sub-atomic fuel. You and Brown hop
aboard the train and take a ride around the world, in the sky, faster
than Superman or Flash could ever hope to go. You reverse the spin of
the Earth and slightly change its tilt in order to slow the pull of the
black hole (somehow, it's Doc). Then, with one last beer of fuel left,
Doc puts the train into full throttle and your bullet train shoots up
even higher in the atmosphere. Little jets place you at a certain angle
where the sun's rays travel through the telescope directly into the
black hole. Doc flips a little gizmo and some sparkly things happen and
the beams that travel through the telescope have magnified 1 billion
fold (but the intense strength and heat doesn't bother you, think of
how the bottom of a flame isn't hot at all to the touch). The huge beam
of pure white light blasts the black hole to oblivion, shattering its
emptiness and erasing its existence. Joo win.
Dun: A
giant cork fills the hole. The placement seems solid, but the cork does
rattle just the tiniest little minuscule insignificant bit. Joo
win...for now.
Cat: Your intrinsic field collapses. All
aspects of gravity are fucked up. The world becomes a shitstorm of
impossibility and improbabilities. The black hole collapses, but the
world as we know it has been destroyed. The few that survived have
created an underground colony where they live off bottled oxygen and
bio-engineered foods. Joo win, yes you do...but was it really worth it?
Tom: You divide by zero. The universe disappears. Joo lose.
TMP:
Your white hole combines with the black hole and forms a milk chocolate
galaxy, much more deserving of the title "The Milky Way" than our
galaxy is. Humanity will one day be able to reach the milk chocolate
galaxy and collect its tasty and valuable resources. Joo win.
Zydel:
Your white supremacist paints a picture of a black hole, nails it to a
big wooden cross, and then burns it to show his/her superiority to the
blackness. The blackness then continues to swallow him/her up along
with the rest of the world. Joo lose.
RAT: The big ol'
dragon guy grants your wish. The world has been sucked into the black
hole, and you along with it. Though you are immortal, your body was
stretched across the vastness of the black hole and then condensed into
a little speck of insignificance where the intense forces try to crush
you into an even smaller speck. Do you realize how much this hurts?
Immortality can suck when you have to spend eternity being crushed by
the greatest forces our human minds are able to comprehend. Joo lose.
Shoshone:
Copypasta'd from Zydel:"Hey,
black hole, I'm really happy for you and imma let you finish, but
nuclear holocaust was the best way to destroy the world....THE BEST
WAY."
Then Kanye West becomes such a big asshole that he
transforms into yet another black hole. Kanye teams up with the other
black hole and destroys the world by ripping it in half and sucking it
up into two separate black holes, eliminating even the mere possibility
that all of our sciency facts have been wrong and that we can travel
through black holes and find amazingness and joyous goodness but that
won't happen now since our world has been split in two and we would all
be dead anyway. Joo lose.Bryce: Your pelvic region remains unscathed by the black hole. The world and the rest of your bodacious body, however.... Joo lose.
---
Situation #7:
A samurai has slashed a gaping wound across your midsection. Your guts
are crowning and you do not have long to live. You need to save
yourself and eliminate the samurai before he attacks again in one fell
swoop. What event do you summon?
Dun: Combat medic uses medpac on ally. Medic and revitalized ally take down enemy forces. GG.
Tom:
Batman uses bat-heal on you and some bat-gauze. The samurai attacks
Batman. Batman dodges the samurai's overhead blade slash and puts his
foot through the heart of the blade after it's tip digs into the
ground, breaking the blade in two pieces. The samurai realizes that he
is no match for THE MUTHERFUCKING BATMAN. The samurai uses the
remaining jagged metal that protrudes from its hilt to commit samurai
suicide. You say to Batman, "You are the shit!" Batman glares at you
with an angry batface and then blurts out, "I am the night!" He then
stares at you for the next 45 minutes. GG.
Caz: A big
fatty red book bound by the dried skin of a thousands lost souls yadda
yadda appears at your side. You flip through a bunch of pages and start
reading the first thing that seems interesting. You are no pro at
satanic speech, but you are able to sound out the Latinish words well
enough. A rush of flame and wind consumes the world around you and
burns through the veil of reality you had grown accustomed to. The
samurai is obliterated from existence and your wounds that were created
in a false world have now become null and void. The emptiness around
you quickly converts all contents of your mind into insanity as the
incomprehensible happenings destroy any memories or understandings you
had of the natural world. Life is not life, death is not death. An
eternity of mental destruction is yours to have. That's what you get
for messing with big red. No re.
Cat: Doc Manhattan
doesn't see any reason to help you. Humanity is not important. A
samurai kills you and he kills a samurai-- what's the purpose of this?
Life never lasts long anyway. There is no reason to save one person at
one moment of time when an infinite number of people are dying at his
side in an infinite number of moments in time. Doc M never even gives
your death at the hands of a badass samurai a second glance.
Zydel:
The phoenix lands atop the samurai, burncrushing him to death. The
phoenix then launches itself into your wounds. The flames scorch your
insides and blast out of your wound. The intense pain cripples you and
seems to last an eternity, but just before you breech the walls of
sanity you are soothed by a cool comfort. Your body is healed and your
mind is at ease. You feel as if you slept like a king after a long
night of sex-making with a dozen bodacious babes. Let's party. GG.
hfswjyr:
You die with honor. A year later when the samurai that kills you dies
while trying to save a basket of kittens from being run over by a
school bus you two meet up in samurai heaven and laugh about your glory
days over a couple of brewskis.
zulu: Yeah, ok.
TMP:
Space pirate ninja defeats inferior samurai opponent. Space ninja
pirate dominates the world and enslaves the little bit of humanity it
let survive (the jews and the blacks). After a few human generations go
by under his rule, space pirate ninja is seen as a god. Game over for
Erff. No re.
Bryce: You SS6 and blast the motherfucker
away like it's nobody's business. Shit ain't gonna help you with that
wound though-- shoulda brought a sensu bean with you. Your guts explode
out of your gaping wound due to the immeasurable energy you are
emitting. No re.
Zydel #2: I can't do shit against a samurai. Motherfucker tears me up like a fatty does a cheeseburger. No re.
---
Situation #8:
You just woke up and realized your entire life was a dream. You slowly
gain back your real memories and realize that you're a sex slave on the
black market, and not the good kind of sex slave. Fat hairy men
surround you and are trying to outbid each other for your delicious
buns. What event do you summon?
caz: An explosion of white flame lights up the darkened faces of
the rat-faced men in the sex dungeon as Golrath, an orc warrior
materializes in the center of the bidding circle. After a moment of
utter confusion is slapped across the faces of all who witnessed this
magic, Golrath succumbs to a fury and starts swinging his battleaxe in
a fog of otherworldly rage. Heads fly. No one escapes the malice in
this cramped little room. Blood will rain this day as the faces of men
fall in the wake of their annihilation. This NAMBLA sect has been
eliminated and will no longer plague the the world. You and your buddy
Golrath loot the corpses and recover 11 gold and a pair of Epic
Gauntlets. Won.
rat: You call in the national air force,
but it will take some time before the aircraft can reach the target
zone. In the minutes between then and now, a crusty old man with a lard
belly and long, greasy hair that encircles the shiny bald spot on his
head grabs you and has his way with you. Sad to say that he finished up
and played around a bit before the air strike finally came in after
those minutes that seemed like years to you finally ended. The entire
area is now just a big, scorched hole in the ground. The men have been
killed and your life ended only after the hell you went through was
completed. Loss...
hfswjyr: At least it's smooth sailing from here on out!
zydel:
You return to the world you once knew. Though your real self was left
behind in the true reality and will live out its days as some ugly
guy's corn stuffer, your mind lives in the comfort of a simulation.
Though it may seem you took the easy street, life is empty and hollow
with the knowledge of living in a fake existence. Over the years you
grow to miss and crave the reality that is, but there is no way back.
Your mind becomes warped and addicted to the idea of what your true
self is going through in actuality. You seek out fat, ugly men and do
anything, anything to get them to have their way with you. This
is how you live your life, creating the realist virtual experience you
can get to the actuality of reality that your empty and lonely mind
desires. Loss...
dun: Chomp chomp. Those nasty men get
what they deserve, one at a time. They tell each other not to try you,
they try to warn each other of the terriblness that will happen to
them...but of course no one is going to believe such a thing. Teeth
down there? Ha! After going through a dozen or two, they finally decide
to let you go. You are a free man and one day will tell your
grandchildren all about your crazy college days. Won.
tmp:
Pop! Looks like it came right out! With no defenses left, you just let
it happen. Eventually you learn to like this new way of life and
appreciate the fine men in your life. Won for you.
cat:
They've all already got AIDS anyway. Actually, believe it or not, they
would have felt bad about giving you AIDS and may have let you go...but
since you already have AIDS then they might as well keep you and make
the best of it. Loss.
zulu: Liam makes a phone call.
Him calling you his daughter is just silly, but the kidnappers did see
the movie Taken and don't want to fuck with that shit. When they say
"good luck" they mean good luck in life mister Liam, we're going to
bring your daughter right back to you asap. You get dropped off at
Liam's house and run into his loving embrace. He calms your whimpers
and brushes your hair saying, "It's alright Susie. I'll never let
anybody ever hurt my little girl." Won?
bryce: You turn
to stone (more like Mario from Super Mario Bros. 3) and can be used as
a boy toy no longer. One of them just makes the best of his losses and
decides to use your statue self as an aesthetic centerpiece to his
finely woven zen garden. At night when he sleeps, you unstone yourself
and head for home, destroying the zen garden in the process. The next
morning the man wakes up and brings a warm cup of tea and the morning
newspaper onto the patio next to his garden. When he sees that your are
gone and the destruction you have caused to his beautiful zen, he lets
out a single tear and walks back into his home in a sorrowful sulk. Won.
---
Situation #9:
You have been granted some amazing superpowers of your choice, but the
world hates you and see you as a threat. You've been putting up with
people throwing food at your for months, but now the nation you call
home is threatening to go to war with you. What event do you summon?
(haven't written these yet, will soon! update when completed)
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